Saturday, May 11, 2013

What Men Want to Hear on Mothers' Day

1) What men want to hear: "Oh honey, it's okay you forgot Mother's Day, there's always next year. Want a  foot massage?"

Reality: "For fucks sake, I reminded you about it, wrote it on the calender, put a link to the gift I want on your Facebook page and bought  my own card. I'll massage your ass with my foot!"



2) What men want to hear: " No way do I need breakfast in bed, that's so much work. But what can I make you?"

Reality: "I'll take breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, snack in bed and I'll drink my dinner....in bed".



3) What men want to hear: "This gift of the best of the home shopping network vacuums with the two nozzle attachments will really help me get a nice, deep clean."

Reality: "This gift assures me you aren't getting a nice, deep anything".



4) What men want to hear: "Let's not pay our cellphone bill, so we have an excuse why we can't talk to our mothers today".

Reality: "Let's not pay our cellphone bill, so we have an excuse why we can't talk to your mother today". (Just kidding, really).



5) What men want to hear: " I am so grateful you chose me to be the bearer of your children, you manly, hairy alpha male you."

Reality: "You're lucky double bubble and my biological clock were working in your favor".


6)What men want to hear: "You didn't have to buy me anything. The gift of our children is gift enough".

Reality: "Can you buy me five minutes of peace so I can poop without worrying about our children getting into trouble, getting into the cabinets, falling, hitting their heads, hitting each other's heads, headbutting, kicking, choking or trying to bust down this damn bathroom door?"

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