Monday, April 28, 2014

Two 'Fer One?!

As a mother of twins, one of the most common questions/statements I get is,"Oh, twins?! Two for the price of one, am I right?". No, two for the price of motherfluffing two. While doctors should really bundle their services or offer a BOGO sale for twins, that's not what happens, unfortunately. There are a lot of other preconceived notions when it comes to twins and people seem to think they are like some rare unicorns that shoot glitter out of their butts. Which means lots of Nosey Nancys and Ned's asking a bunch of the same questions I get all of the time. If you are pregnant with twins, be prepared to get these questions from EVERYONE!! I have recreated a conversation that I've had many times, but I will put my answers that I actually vocalize and the ones I wish I could say instead.


Random Lady/Mister: Oh, are they twins?
Polite Me: Yep, yes they are!
Real Me: No, I fed that one after midnight and the next day, the other one had popped out. Twins are more like Gremlins than you think. Don't get your water bottle too close.


RL/M: Do twins run in your family?
PM: Well, I'm not really sure, possibly. It's hard to tell because it has to be on the maternal side, any history on the paternal side is pretty useless so (blank stare from random lady/mister).
RM: The only thing that runs in my family is our thirst for alcohol and Polish men.

RL/M: Were they natural?
PM: Mmhmm. Dumb luck I guess. Either that or I'm a two egg popper. (Disgusted look from Random that may imply that I have farted, but I double check and it was definitely just my answer).
RM: Mmhmm. Dumb luck I guess. Reaaaaaaaal dumb luck. And they can smell fear, which is highly unnatural.

RL/M: Were you surprised you were pregnant with twins?
PM:  Oh yes, super duper. I was like, whaaaaaaa?
RM: Oh hell yes! You coulda slapped my ass and called me Sally. Which coincidentally was what started this whole ordeal, you know what I'm saying?


RL/M: Are they identical?
PM: We aren't really sure. They each had their own little 'homes' inside me but came out the exact same size and weight and everything. Doctor said it could really be either way but we don't know for sure without a DNA test.
RM: We aren't...RL/M: Wait, what? You don't know if they are identical or not? Huh.
RM-cont: Well, I don't have an extra $100 lying around because A)if it was lying around, the twins would have found it and spent it already on hookers and blow and B) why find out when I can keep answering questions like these. But if I was paid $1 for every stupid question I've gotten asked about my girls, I could have paid for the test 3 years ago.

RL/M: 1 boy, 1 girl?
PM: Nope, two girls.
RM: Yes, one of each. Because I regularly dress my boy in pink hearts and shit, just to strengthen his manhood.

RL/M: Did you have them naturally or did you have to have a csection?
PM: I labored for the day but they didn't want to come out, so I had a csection.
RL/M: Ohhhh, yeah, well some women have to have csections.
RM: Ahhh hell no, someone hold my toddlers so I can fight this witch.

RL/M: Are they hard to manage, one going one way and the other going the other way?
PM: Sometimes.
RM: Is a garbage bag full of angry badgers hard to manage? Yes! Of course they can be hard to handle. (Public service announcement: do not place badgers in garbage bags. Or any other living thing for that matter).

RL/M: Oh, well, twins.... that's nice. I've always wanted twins (ME: You can have mine? Haha, but seriously). My mom's sisters cousins sons mom has twins, so I kind of get it.
PM and RM: Blank stare that implies the random may have farted, but it was really their answer.

I'm sure many other twin moms have had to deal with these questions hundreds of times as well, from everyone from the cashier at the store to people you don't know at a cookout. Now I don't think that anyone that asks these questions are annoying or trying to be annoying. I'm sure it's just an intriguing idea. I've caught myself asking a question or two like this to new twin moms too. And not every parent of twins is as big of an asshole as I am, so these questions might not bother some. But it's always nice to have a general standby answer, just in case you get caught off guard.  I'll leave you with one last question that I always get, even if they don't ask if they are twins.

RL/M: Ooooooooooo, red hair. Where did they get that from?
ME: Satan.