Sunday, February 9, 2014

So you're gonna have a baby?

This winter in Wisconsin has been pretty shitastic. The top 5 coldest winters ever. There were days where we couldn't leave the house because you'd freeze within 5 minutes. So naturally, everyone is getting it on like bunnies around here. Wait, no one is shaving either, so it's more like getting it on like Sasquatches. Seriously. I know someone having a baby in every month from April until September.  Some are first time moms, some are not. So I thought about some things that moms could expect and of course I want to share them, because that's what I do.

1) People are going to be happy for you: Well duh Tara, ya dipshit, of course they are going to be happy for you. But, there are some people that aren't going to be happy for you and that's not something that is ever really brought up. People are assholes. They might not acknowledge your pregnancy, ignore you or lose contact with you. We had a guy, before we ever even had kids, that was disappointed that I wanted kids soon because then Brad couldn't hang out with him. Really? Let me hit the snooze button on my biological clock so you and my husband could go hang out and drink beer. (For the record, Brad can go out and drink beer now if he wants, as long as he leaves a case of wine for me. Or vodka.)

2) You will get felt up: A lot.  People LOVE pregnant women. But, if there is one thing people love more than pregnant women is feeling up a baby bump. I have no idea why, it's like a compulsion. Some may ask to touch, like a normal human being would, but many will just come up and feel away. You have every right to tell them to step the f off. Or you can treat them like a mini dog that is humping your leg...let them do their thing, finish and walk away to look for hand sanitizer. I had to let a client into the bathroom at work when I was pregnant and she couldn't see my stomach until I got closer to her. She zeroed in on the bump and reached out for it, kind of like that fat German kid on "Willy Wonka". I swore I saw her lick her lips. But, I learned how to duck and weave, say thanks but no thanks and go on my merry fluffing way.

3) There is something seriously wrong with you: Or so you're going to think. Because your body will transform a little every day, you probably won't be able to keep up mentally with all of the changes. There will be one symptom that you'll get that will completely throw you for a loop and you'll do the unthinkable: you'll Google that symptom. The results from Dr. Google will inevitably suggest some kind of  fungus, flesh eating bacterial tumor, and because you are crazy (pregnancy hormones will do that) you will for sure think you are dying. But you are not. Probably.

4) Everyone's a critic: Men, women, old people, teenagers, parents, your parents, the random at the grocery store. Everyone will have advice for you. You may be asking yourself, "Tara, aren't you giving out advice?" to which my face would reply to you:

Uh, this is funny advice,. Anyway, yeah. The amount of advice and information you are going to get and from whom is kind of ridiculous. Some if it might be useful, but really, it's more of people's opinions than anything else. It seems as if everyone is an expert. In the words Trick Daddy, "And everybody know somebody that know somebody that know somethin bout it".   Take advice in stride. Apply it if you'd like. Or thank the person and just smile and wave, smile and wave.  But if it ends in "and MY kids are still alive", I might leave it.