Tuesday, May 21, 2013

What I Learned Wednesday: Voice Change and Emo Emu

Parent Wise
I learned this week that toddlers voices change akin to puberty. I can have a sweet sounding angel calling out "Mama" only to hear 5 seconds later "DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE?" in baritone. After many sleepless nights and discussions with therapists (not really), I have determined they are saying "Daddy" but not pronunciating the double d's. Whew. But you better believe I'm on the defensive when both of them are lunging at me, just in case. In addition, they have discovered octaves only dogs can hear. If you take that block away from Teagan, she will kick up her scream in a pitch only dogs can hear. It's starting to sound like Mariah Carey up in here.
Life Wise
I've learned a bunch of emo stuff that's not really funny nor entertaining. Along the lines of not being able to count on those you should, humanity going down the shitter, blah blah blah. Can't control situations or people, but I can control my actions and how I react to things, which is my motto now I guess. After that insightful, downer gem, I'm going to go find my black eyeliner and baggy jeans. At least I'm not this guy...

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

What I Learned Wednesday: Thursday Edition

The girls are starting to talk up a storm. They have a few words they repeat over and over again. Becoming more receptive to trying to repeat words I say. I have slipped a couple "mofo's" in there, I couldn't help myself. But it's all fun and games until one of your kids goes up to the Jehovah's Witness that won't leave me alone and call them a mofo. It hasn't happened...yet. A favorite word in this house is 'baby'. All children are 'baby' and most inanimate objects as well. Caroline came up to me while I was scratching my stomach, looked at it, slapped it and said "Baby?". Uhm, no sweetheart. Not baby. That's half of an almond kringle. Now I'm going to wallow and eat the other half.
Every year I totally geek out over rummage sales. I come from a long line of "thrify people", otherwise known as cheapskates, so I love me some deals. I was popping tags with $20 in my pocket way before it was cool. But every year I get disappointed. With Craigslist, every rummage sounds like a bargain bin at the Pitt/Jolie house. But I'll reiterate how disappointing they can turn out. If you are going to caps lock "NAME BRAND" clothes in your ad, I expect clothes from this century. No one wants to buy a baby pair of Jordache jeans just because they were cool back in the Clinton administration. And is inflation a bitch!? You know you're cheap when you say "7 dollars? Aw naw. Where's Honey Boo Boo shop, maybe I'll go there". 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

What Men Want to Hear on Mothers' Day

1) What men want to hear: "Oh honey, it's okay you forgot Mother's Day, there's always next year. Want a  foot massage?"

Reality: "For fucks sake, I reminded you about it, wrote it on the calender, put a link to the gift I want on your Facebook page and bought  my own card. I'll massage your ass with my foot!"

2) What men want to hear: " No way do I need breakfast in bed, that's so much work. But what can I make you?"

Reality: "I'll take breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, snack in bed and I'll drink my bed".

3) What men want to hear: "This gift of the best of the home shopping network vacuums with the two nozzle attachments will really help me get a nice, deep clean."

Reality: "This gift assures me you aren't getting a nice, deep anything".

4) What men want to hear: "Let's not pay our cellphone bill, so we have an excuse why we can't talk to our mothers today".

Reality: "Let's not pay our cellphone bill, so we have an excuse why we can't talk to your mother today". (Just kidding, really).

5) What men want to hear: " I am so grateful you chose me to be the bearer of your children, you manly, hairy alpha male you."

Reality: "You're lucky double bubble and my biological clock were working in your favor".

6)What men want to hear: "You didn't have to buy me anything. The gift of our children is gift enough".

Reality: "Can you buy me five minutes of peace so I can poop without worrying about our children getting into trouble, getting into the cabinets, falling, hitting their heads, hitting each other's heads, headbutting, kicking, choking or trying to bust down this damn bathroom door?"

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

What I Learned Wednesday-5/8/13

 I learned this week that the real terrible two's are a horrible myth. The same myth that says morning sickness only happens in the morning. Both myths being bullshit. The girls turned 18 months old the other day and are having numerous daily meltdowns. Teag's meltdown #4 was due to her feeding Caroline a Cheerio. She must not have seen the 347 other Cheerios on the table and the floor. I also learned that no matter how awful you think your situation is, how frustrated you get or how crazy you think you are becoming, someone will remind you that they have been in worse situations and things will get worse. "Just wait...", they say. Well I say, just wait until I destroy you.
Ah, nerds. I've always had a deep seeded hatred towards them. I know they can't help it, being nerdy and all. But I think I've realized why I've loathed them for so long, why they make me physically angry. Because I AM ONE (and everyone secretly hates themselves for some reason). The first step is admitting you have a problem. And I have a big one. I am obsessed with "Doctor Who". Obsessed to the point where I might be a fangirl. A sign that the apocalypse is upon us I suppose.  


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

What I Learned Wednesday-5/1/13

The girls are polar opposites at times. The weather is starting to get nice here and they have been outside a lot. One loves the outdoors and will explore and run around, while the other is literally frozen in one spot out of fear. I think next time, I'll park my chair next to her and have her hold my drink.
There are generational gaps all over the place. I don't know if I'm just at that age where it's a middle ground or if I'm just that out of touch with those who are younger and older than myself. Case in point: If I were to say "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S", a bunch of youngin's would say "That was my favorite song in 4th grade". Gahhh. The opposite of that? I was driving with my mom and told her the song on the radio was my favorite. She asked who it was and I said "The Black Keys". "Oh! The Black Eyed Keys?". Not quite.
I'm enjoying the subject of generation gaps so much, I think it'll be my next post. Stay tuned!