Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Too Much Whine, Not Enough Beer

In honor of Father's Day (I know, I know, it was like 2 weeks ago. What can I say? I procrastinate and get distracted by shiny things), I thought I would do a Q&A with my husband, Brad. He's a pretty funny guy, so I told him his answers had to be funny. Well, he didn't fail miserably, but he was getting kind of mushy and everything, so I may have to clarify or interpret some of the answers for everyone who doesn't speak emo dad, which will be in bold. (Which is a total woman thing to do, I know).

A little background on Brad: He's originally from the area where we currently live. He works in IT as a programmer, therefore he's a big old nerd. Strengthening that argument is the fact that he likes to watch "The Universe". He blogs about politics and likes to brew beer. He's not a hipster though (because hipsters brew beer), because I'm pretty sure he'd wear socks with his sandals if I didn't stop him (which hipsters won't wear). He recently told me he's into birds. Not the way you may think, he just likes to watch them.... that still sounds creepy. He's also beyond patient with our daughters and would read to them for hours. Here's a picture of him yelling at a fake duck (which probably should've set off the bird alarms in my head earlier)

So, Mr. Firky, what did you think when I told you I was pregnant?

I didn't expect it to happen that soon (You potent SOB), that day, that way.

You mean missionary style?

No, no, I didn't expect it to happen that quickly. I was excited, I just didn't expect it so soon.

Where was your mind at during my pregnancy? 

I knew big changes were on the way and I needed to prepare, read and learn (kind of like for a storm or Armageddon). It would also be the last time it was just you and me. Also I felt like I gotta do this or that one last time (ask him about having his 7.5 month pregnant wife pick him up from a bachelor party at 3 am with NO reward of pizza for said pregnant wife. Oh wait, I just told you).

And when there was two babies in there?

All I could do was laugh. I had a feeling there were two in there. That's why I said if there were two, we'd have to go to Fazoli's to eat that night. (We still went to the expensiveish restaurant. Ballers.)

We expected them to be boys. How did you react them both being girls?

I immediately became skeptical of all boys. Every toddler boy with an attitude? You bring that to my house, I'll kick your ass!

Since pregnancy was such a breeze for you, what was your expectations of labor and delivery?

I thought it would be six hours or less, in and out. (No Brad, labor usually takes longer than it takes to make crockpot tacos). It seemed really uncomfortable for you (insert Tara's desire to donkey kick Brad's nuts into the next room and then comment on how uncomfortable he appears). I thought we would have the girls by dinner (this body ain't Jimmy Johns, no freaky fast). 

After a full day of labor with no progress, we decided on a c-section. You were the first one to see Teagan, the lead twin. What was the first thought you had?

She was a lot bluer than I expected and she had a misshapen Quasimodo head.

How many beers have you had?

Almost two.

What did you think of me after seeing me go through labor?

You're a tough lady.

You can compliment me more.


Would you put me through that again?

Not without consent.

Do you have any advice for first time fathers?

Don't wait for the last minute. Be prepared otherwise you'll have to buy the display model crib.

What is the best thing about being a father?

Having two little people love you unconditionally. And to remember that they love you, especially when they are being little assholes (not really assholes, that's how Teagan pronounces angels....)

How many glasses of wine do you think I've had?

I dunno. Not enough.

If you were to handpick a person for the girls to date, what would they be like?

They would be kind, smart, respectful and a little tubby so they're easier to hit with a shotgun.

What is the best father trick/deception you've pulled?

The spider. (Telling the girls if they scream inside, spiders will want to see if there's a party and will come in looking for them. So don't scream. Therapy, here we come!)

Any parting words of wisdom?

Be careful what shows you expose your kids to. (You'll end up memorizing a show that involves a boy tiger that doesn't wear pants when everyone else does, a bilingual girl that speaks to inanimate objects and expects you to do the same or the goddamn Teletubbies. Thanks Grandma and Papa)

How does it feel to be married to such a smart, funny, awesome lady like me?'s like Christmas everyday. It's fun.

Woohoo, Christmas errday!