Tuesday, December 3, 2013

'Tis the Season


'Tis the season for:

- The switching of all things pumpkin to all things peppermint (Peppermint Schnapps tastes WAYYYY better than Pumpkin Schnapps).

-Holiday cookie and wine parties. I read about parties in the '70's where you'd put your keys in a bowl and pick a different set of keys and get to take whoever they belonged to for a "test drive". I'm not saying I'd be interested in a party like that (I wouldn't tell you Noseldas if I was). But I'm curious as to how those holiday parties evolved from that into ones with a bunch of chicks getting drunk and balls deep on appetizers? Maybe there were too many broken stick shifts in the 70's..no clue.

-The Elf of the Shelf. I'm sure one day my children will enjoy the hell out of him, but until then, that creepy little fucker is staying out of my house.

-Ice fisherman, who go out on the water way too early. There's thicker ice around my cold, black heart than on the lake. Calm your asses down and go drink in the garage like everybody else.

-Shitty Wisconsin weather. There are two types of people who live in Wisconsin: Those who hate cold and wintery weather and endlessly bitch about it and those who tolerate it and endlessly bitch about it. I, however, am neither of those. I'm like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, covered in Cheerio crumbs.

-Bundling the girls up in all of their outside gear and watching them attempt to walk. I know it's mean to laugh at their struggles, but it's what little joy I have. I'm sure they will repay me once they are potty trained and decide to need to piddle once they have all of their stuff on. They will learn to hold it. Mommies do. It's never too early to learn the value of a Kegel.

-Dealing with other people during the holidays. These can be your in-laws, family members, People of Walmart or the random person who looks like Kris Kringle blew his sack on them because they are covered in tinsel and holiday cheer.

-Buying earplugs, so you don't have to listen to everybody and their mothers rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock". I had to listen to Ali Lohan's Christmas CD on repeat when I worked at a daycare in college. If that doesn't drive you to the brink of madness, then there's something deeply wrong with you.


Overall, Christmastime and impending winter solitude isn't as bad as it seems. But, I may have to call in reinforcements. Sorry wine, you aren't going to cut it this time. Imma have to call in the vodka big guns with a whiskey chaser. (Responsibly and in a reindeer mug).

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