Sunday, November 17, 2013

Dirty Snuggler

I know what it sounds like, and it's exactly what you are thinking. This post isn't about twins or being a parent or anything like that. It's way worse.

There is an actual business that opened up in Madison, WI where you PAY to snuggle. Like money. To snuggle. Well, actually, for an hour of "touch therapy". The song "Tiny Dancer" immediately popped into my head: "Hold me closer, dirty snuggler. I paid you 60 for the houuuuur". $60 an hour? Fuck that. For that much money, I better be able to choose if I want to be the big spoon or the little spoon.

 I'm just confused. It brings up so many questions. What is the target population to this place? There are pictures of very attractive people, just snuggling away on the website, but I assure you, I doubt this is the type of clientele that will be patrons of this fine establishment. You know that hairy, sweaty guy that you avoid eye contact with at the store? Yeah, client numero uno. The needy, clingy chick that smells like despair? Yep, repeat costumer. Don't even get me started on all the politicians in the states capitol.

 Another question would be, what in the world is the staff thinking? What an awkward class reunion that could make.
"So, what do you do?
"I am a professional snuggler"
"Oh my God, you're a smuggler? Should you really be that open with what you do, with drugs and all?"
"No, I'm a snu...forget it."
What if you go up to a PS (pro snuggler) and give them a hug that lasts a little too long. That'll be $5 sucker. Or if  family member wants a session ONLY with you, because they would be uncomfortable with a stranger?

I'm very curious to see what a session would all entail. I picture walking into a dimly lit room with a bed (naturally). Will the bed be too hard? Do I get to pick my PS out of a lineup? Because I wouldn't want to end with a Sasquatch that mouth breathes into my ear. Ok, so you're in there, picked out the PS, assumed the non-sexual position and...and...what? Feel the loving, paid for embrace of a stranger? Is there talking involved? I wouldn't want to talk because there's nothing worse than forced conversation with someone who is ALL UP ON MY ASS. Could I snuggle for a bit in silence  and then go on Facebook or text or something? Because that's real life.

Are there options for different positions? Or is it all just hugging from the back? Can we front hug/snug? I would think that would be out of the question, because you never know if Mr. Dingy would pop up to say "hi". Of course, the website claims that it's non-sexual, but when's the last time you snuggled with anyone without humping (dry or otherwise) beforehand? It's a well known fact that spooning leads to forking, am I right? I'm sure that's not their intention. They are just trying lift up people's spirits through the power of full body contact.

Ok, last burning question. (Well, I probably shouldn't call it burning. You never know, I may someday choose to try Touch Therapy and I wouldn't want it to get back to them that anything from me was burning.) Why Madison? I could see a big city on one of the coasts or down south, but Madison? It's a town full of damn hippies! I'm sure if you went down to State Street, you'd find someone to uncomfortably snuggle with you for free. The first ones ALWAYS free.

So there you have it. Social media has depleted us of our social skills so badly, that we have to set up craziness like this. These things will pop up all over the country. Soon you'll have the Snuggle Shack, The Cuddle Corral and the seedier Poon Spoon. But, if anyone does take a chance and goes to this place, let me know how it is. And enjoy yourself, Mother Snuggler.

No comments:

Post a Comment