Sunday, March 10, 2013

Shop Til you Drop, Grocery Style.

If there's one thing in the world that I hate, it's going grocery shopping. And hippies. And politicians. And green beans. Ok, so there's a lot of things in the world that I hate, but grocery shopping is at the top of the list. I go once a week and usually go between a mega-store (Woodmans) and a regional store (Festy). Being a SAHM, others may see this as an opportunity to "get out" like a mini vacation. "Oh, you do get to go out to the store, isn't that a nice little break?". Well, if someone thinks going to the grocery store is a vacation, I have a nice time share to sell you in Cuba. I could send Brad to the store. I have threatened to do so on a few occasions, but when push comes to shove, I'm a way better, smarter, thriftier shopper then he is, partially because I'm cheap as fuck. Everyone has experienced this chore and if you haven't, you should thank whoever goes out and shops because honestly, I'd rather get a bikini wax with lukewarm wax than do this. Regardless, I will take you through a typical supermarket sweep in the Tarable'sTwo household.

Friday Night, typically 7:30pm: Babies are put to sleep, dinners over and I still have 3.5 hours until "Duck Dynasty" reruns are on. I've fiddled with different times and days to go to the store, but I find that this is the optimal time to go out if I have to go across town to Woodmans. I get into the car and my grocery shopping jam is on: "Eye of the Tiger". It really gets me in the mood to find deals. I am determined to slap my grocery bill in the (figurative) face with all my savings.

8:00: Now, if you've never been to a big mega discount grocery store like Woodmans before, it is quite the experience. First off, it's fricking ginormous and secondly, it's pretty much picked over at this time and day of the week. So it's off to the produce area to sort through that junk. Is this supposed to be fuzzy? I haven't seen anything that shriveled up in quite a while.

8:15: First dilemma. Should I get my meat and whatnot first before my canned goods and chance it might thaw out and poison us all? Ah, what the hell, the babies don't really eat all that much meat anyway and I could stand to lose a few lb's.

8:30: Second dilemma: Frozen desserts. They look so tasty. Sugar's good for you, right?

8:32: Now the shit show known as canned foods part aka the entire middle of the store. It's not so much the fact that every time I touch a canned good, I get an electric shock and when I pull away in pain, I receive a second, more lethal one from the cart that feels like the fence from "Jurassic Park". No, no. It's the fact that even at 8:30 at night, there's still a crap ton of people shopping and it seems everyone is going to the same aisle. Worse, is the cart-rage I get from stupid people stopping in the middle of the aisle, blissfully unaware of EVERYONE else around them. And then everyone being so nice to one another, trying to let the other person go first. I feel like I should put a snow plow in the front of my cart to move the stragglers along. Then there's a big traffic jam because everyone's so nice and can't figure out how to maneuver their carts. Really people, we aren't playing Tetris. The carts will fit through.

8:45: Finally make it across the store and I feel like I'm forgetting something. Of course. Whatever it is, it's on the clear other side of the store, over some mountains and teenager stock boys.

9:01: Shit, it's past the time they sell alcohol. I really wanted a bottle of mommy juice... wine. I guess I'll just have to start day drinking next week like I've been planning. On a side note, on another occasion at the other store I go to I had been shopping as fast as I could, because I wanted to purchase a bottle of Moscato and it was 8:45. I had gotten done in record time and they had 1 damn check out person. With, I kid you not, 8 people with full carts in front of me. I'm rarely one to speak up in public. I mostly mutter and complain under my breath, but this was the last straw. I said somewhat loudly, "Really, one cashier for all these people?", I scoffed and muttered "I have things to drink, people." I was getting really angry and fearful I wouldn't be able to check out in time. But a higher being helped out and I was done checking out by 9:00. I guess it wouldn't have been a big deal if I didn't get the wine. I live quite close to a bar.

9:15: The young check out girl, clearly thrilled that a bunch of assholes think this late on a Friday night is the best time to grocery shop, quickly scans everything and silently stabs me in the eyes in her mind. But I'm relieved this trip is almost done.

9:20: FREEDOM!!!!!!!!! Now, is Culver's still open? Because I'm hungry and there's nothing to eat.

10:00: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK, I forgot buns.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the laugh! I HATE HATE HATE grocery shopping. Almost always I have to lug my 3 kids with. 4 yrs, 2 yrs, and 5 mo. I seriously consider packing a sippy cup of vodka for myself next time.