Thursday, February 7, 2013

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (aka Pregnancy)

Errbody pregnant around here (while I do talk like this sometimes, it still pains me to write) these days. What a wonderful, magical time... I'm not sure how I can say that with a straight face because it's meant to be said with heavy, drippy sarcasm. There is a reason why my body produced a hormone that made me forget how awful childbirth was and while not scientifically proven, I think my body produces something that makes me remember how shitty it was. Of course, the end was worth it (or so I think most days) but don't you dare tell that to someone in the midst of this pukey, itchy, crying, hairy 10 MONTHS! Unless you want to be karate chopped. In the throat.

I think everyone should thank their lucky stars that I wasn't aware nor wanting to blog throughout my pregnancy. There was some seriously farked up shit that happened. So while I didn't chronicle my pregnancy, I would like to share some of the "highlights".


Finding out the sex: I had to have about 13 ultrasounds due to complications and the fact it was considered "high risk", so I got to see the babies wiggle and shake quite a bit. But the biggest and best ultrasound was when I was able to find out the sex. Brad's job made it difficult for him to be at all of them, so I had my dad take me to a lot of them. Everytime I went there with him, I made sure to say "Dad" really loud multiple times in order to squash anyone's thought that he was like, my partner or something. It was gross. But that day I asked him to step out so it would only be me who found out what I was having. I was so convinced that one or both were boys. I could just feel it. I told people I knew God wouldn't let me have two girls because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle two mini-mes. So the doctor came in, started looking around and said "Female". BOTH? Surely he said He-Male, meaning they were the manliest little boy fetus' he's ever seen. Nope, they are both female. I immediately regretted every overly dramatic, girly thing I had ever put my parents through, because I was now terrified that it would come back to haunt me, twofold.


Food fight: I really, really love food. If someone said "Well why don't you marry it?" I probably would have moved to Kentucky and considered it. So you can imagine how I began to covet food in my pregnancy. Throughout, I would have to say I was pretty calm and laid back, but it was a whole new ballgame with food, mostly because I couldn't eat food without throwing up or taking medications for the first 5 months. One day, Brad and I went to KFC and I ordered chicken strips through drive through. We get to the first window and wait for 5 minutes. The worker dude comes to the window and says "Oh, well, we are out of strips". "You're out? Really?" He told me, no they weren't really out, but they would have to drop some into the fryer and it would take an additional 8 minutes. He asked me if I wanted some boneless wings instead. Woah, wrong answer. "I DON'T WANT FUCKING BONELESS WINGS. IF I DID I WOULD HAVE ORDER THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMM". I didn't say that directly to him because I was in the passenger seat, but he heard me say it to Brad. The worker said to Brad "Oh, would she like me to drop some in the fryer?". Sigh. It took 5 more minutes and they asked us to pull into the parking lot and wait. 10 more minutes go by and a different worker comes out, brings the bag to Brad's side of the car, even though there was no car on my side and there was on Brad's. "Here you go. Sorry it took so long. I threw in a Pudding Bucket". Oh thanks! How about you throw in the last half hour of my life I wasted pissed off over chicken? And they forgot my honey mustard. Bastards.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the only food incident. I had a hankering for a Big Mac and only a Big Mac. So I went over to the "24 hour" McDonalds by my side of town and found out that the stupid sign was just for decoration because it was closed. At 10:30 during the summer. Feeling defeated, I went home and googled it to make sure it actually was 24 hours and I saw that the McD's way across town was open. So I made the 20 drive over there and was very pleased with my persistence. I get to the drive-thru and ordered a Big F'n Mac. I was then told "Uh, sorry ma'am we have a limited menu at night, there are no Big Mac's. Can I interest you in a Quarter Pounder". I shit you not, I literally saw red and that workers' life flash before my eyes. I flipped my shit on that poor soul. "NOOOO, I DON'T WANT A FUCKING QUARTER POUNDER AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH" and then proceeded to burn out my brand new tires squealing out of there. I went home empty handed. The next day, I got my Big Mac. And then proceeded to throw it up. Thanks karma.

Chasing my B: I was 8 months pregnant for our 1st anniversary. We decided to go to The Little Farmer, which is a pumpkin patch/apple farm. I've gone every fall since I was a baby and it's fantastic. One thing that sucks are the copious amount of bees. And the fact that Brad believes he may be allergic to said bees. So, we went to pick out our pumpkins and were looking for where to buy them. We couldn't find the stand so I pointed out a stand in the middle of nowhere and said that looks like it could be it (it wasn't). I was trucking along behind Brad when a bee flew by him. And it wouldn't leave him alone. He began to run around, with two pumpkins in his hands, trying to get this Satan bee away from him. And I waddled faster in order to keep up with him. I begin to hear laughing and I look over to see an audience of people watching us, pointing and laughing at Brad. I had to explain to them, but the damage was done. I was so embarrassed I wished the bee would've just stung him so the ambulance could have taken me back to the car.


Come back next week when I continue the theme of pregnancy and discuss what I liked and disliked about that time!


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