Friday, January 11, 2013

Sweet, sweet fantasy baby

While I was pregnant, I probably heard "Your life will never be the same after these kids" about 125,000 times. After they were born, literally every milestone was met with "After (insert here) happens, your life will never be the same". Well thank you for that incredible insight. I would have been completely unaware had you not shared that.

 Now of course, it's true, but I didn't need anyone to tell me that. I watched "Teen Mom", I knew what was going to happen. But every aspect of your life will change, including your dreams and fantasies. What I dreamed and fantasized about five years ago is ten shades different now.  Now my fantasies aren't exotic, complicated or nasty because I have some mental block where I am unable to think about or visualize anyone having sex. It's a gift really, saving me from people talking about my parents or my parents talking about my parents. Regardless, I still have dreams and fantasies.

THEN: Dreaming about having a career where I made tons of money, made a difference in peoples lives, had 2.5 children and lived in a Barbie dreamhouse. Maybe not the Barbie house, because she's a disproportionate bitch and I hate the color pink. But dreaming about living the dream: LTD, if I may.

NOW: I dream about sleep. Well, I guess that's incorrect, because in order to do that kind of dreaming, that implies that you get sleep. So I fantasize about sleep. Hard, sweaty, all night long sleep. But that doesn't happen often. One of the reasons is because the girls are sleep snipers. They know the exact moment my head hits the pillow. I don't know how. I don't know why. But they think it's the perfect moment to scream like a jagged tooth clown stole their schnuks (nuks). THEY.KNOW.

THEN: My husband and his brother were moving our new couch into our new house about three years ago. They were trying to get it through the front door. So I watched while they grunted and shoved a big thing into a small space. Now I don't fantasize nor dream about that, but it was still nice to look at. My husband looking all big and bad and Polish.

NOW: I fantasize that my husband will surprise me by coming home early with an array of burgers from Five Guys, tacos from Chipotle and some cannoli. All of which are fat-free, gluten-free and burns calories by just looking at them. Then he will tell me that I have to leave for a three hour massage. And being worked on by strangers makes me thirsty, so there would be a bottle of wine and/or vodka waiting for me. That's what I call a happy ending.

Other current dreams/fantasies: 3 (or more) consecutive Super Bowl wins for the Green Bay Packers. Everything half off at Target. The twins going 15 minutes without pushing, biting or picking each others' noses. Not hearing the old lady describe what "Fifty Shades of Gray" is about to her equally as old husband tonight. Teenagers shutting the fuck up in the movie theater after I spent $20 to see "The Hunger Games". Being able to putty my stretch marks shut. And many, many more.

Let me know what some of your new dreams are now that you are a parent or since the real world slapped your dreams in the face.


  1. I dream about children that actually listen. That the fat ugly kid on the bus would stop picking on my baby and calling her fat. I wish I had more patience and didn't want to choke the life out of a child.

    1. I agree with you on the patience part. I have little patience for anyone other than the twins and even then it's trying. Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Ahh, I wish I would have known about your blog before I posted my Liebster award nominees! I can definitely relate to fantasizing about sleep, as I am running on 2 1/2 hours of sleep in this comment.

    Hope to see you over @Busy, Young, Single Momma Sanity

    1. Thanks for stopping by! What are the Liebster awards? I'll definetly come over by you.

    2. Megan, I had two more spots in my Liebster Award so I added her to mine just now! I gotcha back! Lol.

      Tfirk? Tarable's Two? Whatever I should call you, you are hilarious! I seriously laughed so much. You're my kind of mama! Like I said to Megan, I just added you to my Liebster Award post here:

      I would absolute love for you to join in! Let me know if you do so I can come over and read about it! Also, I saw you on MBC and am now following. :)

    3. Oh and I dream about them one day punching Spongebob in his throat... or stomach... or causing any injury that would shut down that laugh. Ugh.