It is now a new year, one that many nutcases speculated wouldn't occur, so I would like to look back over the past few weeks and recount people that I had judged. And I judged them pretty hard, considering a tiny part of me is a nutcase and thought the apocalypse could happen, mostly because of these asshats that I've encountered.
I was able to get out more than usual over the past month to do my last minute Christmas shopping, my usual grocery shopping and getting some time to myself. While most of these days blur together in a haze of diapers changes, tantrums and teething, these are some occurrences that stand out.
Before the girls were born, in order to save money, I would go to Barnes and Noble weekly to read the magazines for free, because I'm a cheap bastard. AB (after birth of babies, which is not the same as nasty, fluidy afterbirth), I am still able to go to the bookstore, but it is maybe once a month. I read somewhere that bookstores are the number one place for serial killers to search for prey. Excellent. I believe that, because one time, I had been reading my gossips magazines and a white, male, mid 30's sat next to me and started making small talk about the magazine I was reading. He was probably just being friendly, but I'm pretty sure he was sizing me up because he wanted to wear my skin as a suit. Anywho, back to the present. There were a few idiots there, as usual. A pair of girls in their late teens were walking around a display of teen books, annoyingly recapping all of the ones they had read, including endings, which were not happy. A nerdy, Peter Jackson looking mofo talking about "The Hobbit", naturally. And a very angry man, who I am fairly certain was organizing a hit on his wife/girlfriend. I didn't listen too carefully, because he was scary and my freaky possible serial killer friend wasn't there to protect my beautiful hide. Nothing there really indicated possible End of Days type stuff, but annoying none the less.
Then there is Christmas shopping. Day(s) before Christmas shopping to be exact. My plan for some of my relatives was to make homemade ornaments of the girls hand prints. I had pleeeeenty of time to do this. December 23rd rolled around and, shit, I didn't do them. So I went to the Dollar Store. Am I cheap? I believe I answered this question a paragraph ago. Am I not thoughtful? No, I'm lazy but thoughtful none the less. The same cannot be said for the dozens of people at the Dollar Store. There was a family of four who was buying for literally their entire extended family. A preteen boy asking his grandmother where the cameras were, because he wanted to install one in his sisters' room. And a grandmother clearing the store of Pringles for her grandkids. Merry Christmas, enjoy some compressed potato flakes. This was more indicative of End of Days because it shows we procrastinate and don't take things seriously. Do you think Doomsday Preppers waited until Dec. 23 to buy Christmas presents? Doubtful.
This brings me the encounter that I had that led me to believe the apocalypse could have been a possibility. I was at a department store when a girl comes rushing up to a sales rack wearing a white, strapless, short cotton prom looking dress. With a brown tank top underneath. Wearing fur boots. And I don't mean like boots with the fur. I mean furry boots. To understand where I'm coming from google "Furry boots from Dumb and Dumber". The worst part is she didn't have a jacket and it was a winter storm outside. The worst of the worst? This was AFTER the supposed Dec. 21 apocalypse, leading me to believe there is some big bad apocalypse waiting to spring up at us at any moment. And if there isn't a real one, there sure is a fashion apocalypse in the making.
So congrats everyone on surviving their 3rd (or 4th) potential End of Days in the past few years. My husband told me there should be another one within the next 20 years. This time with computers!
You are too funny!
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